Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Coming Out Crazy


Yesterday, I woke up exhausted. I neglected to take care of number one. Me!

So here's what happened.

I forgot to take my medication until 2:50 p.m. I neglected to brush my teeth all day. I didn't get dressed. I didn't brush my hair. I grabbed unhealthy food and gobbled it down without tasting it. Like a robot. Just to fill a void caused by frustration.

I was struggling with a post for this blog. Inspired by you. It was driving me crazy.

Ideas were flooding into my mind. All day. I had trouble focusing. I was hitting dead ends and desperately turning around re-routing my thinking.

This went on and on and on until 12:14 a.m. this morning, when I gave up and went to bed with a couple of 0.5 mg tablets of clonazepam – which I take only when needed. It helps calm my mind and turn off my thoughts when they're running wild.

No. I do not get depressed. I get the opposite. I get revved up. I cannot turn off my brain. I cannot stop my thoughts. Ideas in words and pictures flood my consciousness. Crazy quilts of ideas. Conflicting ideas. Picture fragments. Images. Blasting away the cerebral quiet needed to fall into sleep.

I don't have the switch that most people have when they get overtired. That's what's wrong with me. That's the root of my "mental illness" and there really isn't a name for it, other than chronic hypomania with a vulnerability to full blown mania if I don't ensure that I sleep.

Sleep is the antidote for my sanity. Everyone's really. But I cannot do it without a little help. Maybe I should learn to meditate, mindfully. But I don't have time.

That's why I'm better on medication. Including my mood stabilizer.

That's what I've learned.

I slept, dreamlessly. Deeply.

At 6:15 a.m. I was awoken by my dogs nipping at my side of the bed and wanting to be let out.

This morning, after five and a half hours of sound, deep, fast sleep, I woke up and guess what...

My mind was back.


Coming Out Crazy

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